I am sure it comes as no great surprise that as soon as I posted about my goal to work through “Glorify Yourself” and the play I was working on and getting fit – I hit a wall.
First I am going through a PTSD episode and am finding everything triggering. It seems every show I watch and every time I read something online or hit twitter there is yet another rape story. I was sexually abused by my best friends brother when I was 5, My stepfather when I was 12 and finally I have spoken out about being raped. It’s been traumatic. I cry and take a lot of valium.
After stalling it for way to long my marriage is at it’s official end. It is slightly complicated by the fact that financially we can’t live apart, the fact that I need a carer and also that neither of us could bare to have the kids just half the time. So cohabitation is our only option for now. My play was also cancelled so my fledgling career as a costumer has been put on hold.
Also – Hi world! My name is Miss Fairchild and I am a big, fat Lesbian. I always have been…I just fell in love with a man. As that man is no longer in the picture and I thought about beginning dating I realised I had zero interest in men (Unless William Powell or Fred Astaire magically come back from the dead and aren’t zombies – then I will reevaluate). So I am out of my hetro life and am dating women. I am dating! Seriously though, I am too old for dating. I have met lovely, lovely ladies. But I just can’t see a future with another person at the moment. Plus dating makes me leave the house. It’s awkward enough dating when I live with my ex…asking them to come to my place where I will likely be hiding in my bedroom crying is not really going to turn many people on.
I am starting my life over. Beginning again. Can you begin again when you are in the middle? There isn’t a rewind button (and despite all the horribleness I am the person I am today because of that – so rewinding isn’t an option) on life.
I try whenever possible to think of my business mentor talking about “sunk costs” when making life decisions. It’s pretty much don’t throw good money after bad. If you have stuffed up – it’s too late to get that time/money/life back and sticking with it just because you have already invested so much doesn’t do anything but delay the inevitable. So just because I invested 15 years into a bad relationship doesn’t mean I should keep doing so in the desperate hope it gets better. I have done that before and all it did was eat up precious time. I would rather be alone, than with someone and lonely.
I have decided to push Miss Fairchild Millinery back a year…possibly two. Let’s see how I feel after final year!
I am beginning again. Like I always seem to do. I fall down and get back up again. It seems I just don’t know how to lay down and admit defeat.
I have started my final year in Millinery. I booked my first trip overseas (Paris here I come!) for October. I saw a new psychiatrist (it went very badly….but I will find another one eventually). I confronted my dr about some things rather than avoiding him forever and getting a new dr. I have an online dating profile. I have had sex again (was kissing always good? Or was I just not doing it right….or at all). I am trying to reconnect with my friends after last years hibernation.
Life is a bit of a rollercoaster. But at least I will get a crazy picture of me screaming at the end of it…
Miss Fairchild xoxo